A Travel Essay from the Inner Journey

Before I start sharing some of my contemplations on my Shadow of Inadequacy (GK48), which I have in my Purpose sphere, I want to talk more generally about the place this Shadow has in my inner life. This time with the Sage’s Golden Retreat is my fourth time looking at my Activation Sequence, so I have done a lot of work with my Purpose Gene Key.

I feel so lucky that I have Gene Key 48 here, because it truly is a very deep Gene Key, the deepest of all, for it represents the void, the deep well of wisdom that we all carry inside ourselves. And on each of my journeys with this Gene Key, I have been so engrossed in that 48 energy, that I haven’t spent a lot of time contemplating the sphere itself. This time, with this Sage’s journey, is different. Richard Rudd is bringing so much lyricism to the spheres that I have been entranced by them, and I would love to share with you some of my pleasure in this exploration (and some of the pain that comes with it too!).

Beautiful Ordinariness

When one thinks of Shadow work, “beautiful” is not always the first adjective that springs to mind! “Dark”, “scary”, “difficult”, these would have been my chosen descriptions before I came to this Gene Keys work; “something to be fixed” would also have been how I thought of my Shadows.

But in the Sage, Richard says something that entirely changed the way I thought about this Purpose Shadow (and this applies to all Gene Keys, this is not a GK48 truism!) …

Your higher Purpose is in your beautiful ordinariness. And yet, one of the hardest things for a human being to experience is the simple wonder of being.
Richard Rudd, The Sage’s Golden Path Retreat

There is a great spaciousness in knowing that my higher Purpose is in my “beautiful ordinariness”. There is a great drawing in of breath that opens my chest and fills my belly; a breath that drops my shoulders and straightens my spine.

There is a long, deep sigh as I breathe out. There is a smile on my face.

Oh, the sweet relief of knowing that my higher Purpose lies right here, in the heart of my ordinary life. My higher Purpose lies in me being my ordinary, natural human self. Just by getting out of my own damn way, and parking all of those ideas I have about higher Purpose being some grandiose calling, then my true Purpose comes bubbling up, like a spring from deep in the earth, to flood my ordinary, everyday life.

The Wonder of Being Alive

In my external search for higher Purpose, where I ask myself, “What am I supposed to be doing with all that I am learning?”, I can become parched. I am so busy with my external seeking that I forget that the water of life flows from me. I forget that I can quench my own thirst for Purpose, by simply being myself.

When I let go and simply melt into the wonder of being alive in this glorious world, then my higher Purpose is free to flow through me and from me.

The whole point of life then becomes to simply live. To roll over in ecstasy at the wonder of being me, alive, living my ordinary life as an ordinary human. But a human who has seen that within us all lie these extraordinary gifts.

Richard asks … “How often do you stop and enjoy the simplicity of the day?” and I can honestly say that these days, I do this often!

I do it as I sit at my desk, writing in my journal.

I do it when I stop writing and simply stare out of the window, watching jackdaws and finches feast in my garden.

I do it every day when I walk in nature and revel in the blossom and new leaves that are bursting out.

I do it when I stop to listen to a choir of skylarks or a single jangling corn bunting, or to watch a parliament of rooks rise into the blue, blue sky.

I do it when I spend an hour with my true love’s head on my lap, as I stroke him back to sleep.

I stop often, to simply sigh and say, “I love my life!”. 

I do it when tears come at how bloody lucky I am to be in this body, living this life, loving these people, doing this work.

I do it often.

I will never stop doing it.

The Relationship with My Shadow

The challenge to embodying your Purpose lies in your relationship with your Shadow.
Richard Rudd, The Sage’s Golden Path Retreat

My relationship with my Shadow of Inadequacy is an open one. Now. This was not always the case. It used to be the cause of so much anguish, but now I can see it for what it is … a false belief I took on in childhood because of the lack of parenting from my mum, especially after my dad died. But in truth, the Shadow was already there, long before my dad died; it was in her constant disappointment in me (because I wasn’t my brother, or my dead sisters). My relationships after mum … both intimate relationships and female friendships … were mostly dysfunctional, and all, eventually, fed that belief that I wasn’t good enough. Please don’t get me wrong here … I am not placing the blame for my Shadows at my mum’s feet. She did the best she could with what she had available to her. She was, herself, a wounded child, raising a wounded child.

My relationship with this Shadow these days is so much clearer. I know where it came from, and I don’t let its insidious miasma seep into me any more … for the most part! There are times when it does show up, when I get myself tangled on its barbs, but I catch it quicker. I see it. It’s an old, old pattern and it is set in its ways. I am not living from that place any more, but it still clings to parts of me. I try to pacify it, understand it, soothe it, and remind it that I love it. Because I love myself, and it is part of me.

The Quest to Cultivate Inner Calm

Your quest will be to cultivate a sense of inner calm amidst the turbulence of external challenges.
Richard Rudd, The Sage’s Golden Path Retreat

Oh! I do like a quest!! I have been experiencing a fair bit of turbulence since we moved into the Purpose sphere (of course!! Doesn’t life always bring along something in those first weeks in a new sphere, to let you see where the Shadow still has its hooks in you?!). I saw pretty quickly that the turbulence I was feeling was simply a manifestation of the general turbulence and fear that is stirred up when I do not receive the external validation I so clearly still crave; in this case, it was validation of my writing, which of course, is deeply personal and important to me. (“External Validation” is the Dilemma of my SQ Gene Key, and it obviously still needs some work!! Roll on the Venus Sequence!).

When this turbulence comes, I must remember … I am my own anchor; I am my own lifebelt.

It is not up to anyone else to keep me safe in turbulent times. That’s my job. So, up came these challenges that threw me into turbulence, and I slipped straight into that old thought pattern that said it must somehow be my fault, there must be something wrong with me, that my writing is just not good enough.

Throw the lifebelt, Lizzie … I know that I don’t need external validation, I have just forgotten that. The lifebelt keeps me afloat until I can drop anchor. The anchor holds me steady, allowing me to take deep, calming breaths. The beauty of forgetting is that I also get to remember … I remember that I do not need external validation to bring me inner calm. I carry my own calm within me. I know my writing is good enough … it’s good enough for me, first and foremost! I know my writing is sometimes heart-openingly beautiful for other people. I know that my words do sometimes touch people. I don’t need anyone to tell me I am worthy.

The Patterns that Disturb My Sense of Inner Peace

There are certain patterns of thought and behaviour that disturb my sense of inner peace and enjoyment of daily life, and they live in this Shadow of Purpose …

Comparison – where I find myself thinking that other people have it easier than me.

Victimhood – oh, the self-pity of feeling hard done by!

Jealousy and lack – two sides of the same coin. I’m jealous of what other people have. I feel a lack in my own life.

Fear – what if things go wrong?

But I have a choice about the attitude I bring to these Shadow patterns that disturb my peace … I can choose to react out of fear or anger, and that reaction, that fear, is exactly what happened when I moved into the Purpose sphere and the feelings of turbulence erupted.

Or I can choose instead to respond to life’s challenges that occur in this Shadow as an opportunity to grow.

And that is exactly what I did. I caught the Shadow behaviour, I saw it more quickly than I used to, I adjusted, and I asked myself, “How can this be a catalyst for change and growth?”.

And that brought me right back to Richard’s opening words about this Purpose Shadow … Your higher Purpose is in your beautiful ordinariness. And yet, one of the hardest things for a human being to experience is the simple wonder of being. If my higher Purpose lies in my ordinariness, then everything I am doing is already good enough!

And the Shadow behaviours of lack and need for validation and general not-enoughness melt away.

My ordinariness becomes the growth.

My allowing, accepting and embracing of my Shadow becomes the catalyst for me to become, well, MORE ME! Then the Shadow is not so scary and dark.

And then I really can experience the simple wonder of being!

I decided to use a fresh batch of photographs for this essay, just taken on this morning’s walk, before I sat down to fashion this part of the journey into an essay.

If you would like to see more of my photographs, you can find oodles of them on my Flickr page.