A Travel Essay from the Inner Journey

My Purpose … Gene Key 48.3

In the opening section of the Sphere of Purpose in the Sage’s Golden Path Retreat, Richard Rudd has this heading …

What Deeply Fulfils You

It’s not a question, it’s a statement. It’s an invitation to open yourself up to this Purpose Gene Key. All of the Gene Keys in your chart play important roles in your life. You will hear lots of different Gene Keys lovers talking about which Sphere is the most important, which Gene Key is the most important. Richard Rudd has been heard to say that whatever Gene Key you have in your Radiance is the most magical. Different people love different Gene Keys and spheres, and for them, these Gene Keys and Spheres are the most important.

Now, me? Well, if you’ve read any of my other essays or articles, you may have already realised that Gene Key 48 is my favourite Gene Key. It’s the deepest, it’s the well of Wisdom. It holds everything!! What’s not to love about that?!! And I just happen to have it here, in my Purpose Sphere. Which could be why I believe that the Purpose is the most important sphere. It is the bedrock, it is the foundation, it is the roots of the tree of my life.

Your Purpose is not about doing anything, but simply about being who you are.
Richard Rudd, The Sage’s Golden Path Retreat

That is why it is most important to me. So many of my Gene Keys tell me that I must be my “natural” self, and this Purpose sphere is surely the motherlode of “natural self”!

Gene Key 48 will Help Reveal Pathways to True Fulfilment

Even before diving into the meat of the section in the course where Richard talks about my personal Purpose Gene Key, 48.3, I can feel the truth in his opening statement … “Gene Key 48 will help reveal pathways to true fulfilment.”

The pathways to my deep fulfilment all lie on the inward road. Interiority calls.

It is like the call of the wild. I hear the wild things inside me call to me. The lone wolf, the weasel, the stag. (These are all animals from my own personal Dream Arc pantheon!).

The song of the whale, which is the siren’s call, inviting me to dive deep into my own being. (The whale is the Dream Arc animal for my Gift of Resourcefulness, here in my Purpose sphere).

My answers are not to be found out there in a world where I can be so easily drawn into comparison with others, into jealousy and envy and victimhood. The jaguar of my dreamtime imagination walks on hidden pathways. I must do this too.

I Am a Deep Resource

You are here to be a deep resource of living wisdom for others.
Richard Rudd, The Sage’s Golden Path Retreat

If I am truly to be a deep resource for people, then I must put aside my fears that I am not good enough. I must stop comparing myself to others. They have their path. I have mine.

I am this deep resource. My work is not superficial, nor is it immature. It is deep, it has matured over decades. And it’s not showy. It is simply my wisdom, which I make available to others.

I am the resource; not just the words I write, but the person that I am. This is my path. To be a deep resource of living wisdom. So, I must walk my talk. I must live my truths. I must be wholly and completely me in every moment.

My Ultimate Fulfilment Lies in Being of Service to Others

There was a time that I would never have believed this; when I would have believed I needed every ounce of my energy and wherewithal just to get through each day. I would not have believed I had it in me to be of service to others. I would not have believed there was anything I had to offer. Me?! Inadequate, useless, selfish, me?!

But it turns out that I want to be of service, I want to help other women reach into their own resources.

And it turns out that that is what fulfils me. For one woman to reach out and tell me that something in my words touched her makes me so happy. This is the whole point of living … to be wholly yourself and in the process of that being, to help others be their wholly authentic selves.

A Living Embodiment of Wisdom

Your highest potential is to become a living embodiment of wisdom, which entails having to pass through some of life's deepest fears.
Richard Rudd, The Sage’s Golden Path Retreat

My deepest fears are manifold. The fear of death is that all pervasive miasma that enwreathed me for years, since losing my dad as a child. The fear of loss of loved ones. Again, this fear has walked beside me, whispering, “What is the point in loving; they only die and leave you bereft?”

There is the fear of rejection, which for me, is like dying inside my living body, and which triggers my Shadow of Victimisation.

The fear of ridicule, humiliation, denigration … these three bullies gang up on me and keep me cowering in the corner … “stay small”, they say,“if they don’t notice you, they can’t laugh at you.”!

And of course, the mother of all fears, that goes with this 48 Shadow and ushers in those other fears … the fear that I am inadequate, I am not enough of any of the things I want to be. I’m not good enough in any aspect of my life. It’s crippling, this fear of inadequacy. It causes me to shut down. To shut the world out.

Now, I know that this is no longer my default setting, but it sure as hell still gets pinged. It’s getting pinged right now, as I move through the Purpose sphere. I have been having all these feelings of comparison and judgement coming up for me, feelings that people I care about don’t think I’m good enough (or, really, that I’m not as good as others in that insidious comparison way that it shows up) … this is all just my Shadow of Inadequacy showing up and saying, you don’t get rid of me that easily!!

So, I am sitting with these fears; I’ve invited them in for a cup of tea. Of course, they’d rear their heads now. It’s the first weeks in the Purpose! They’ve come to test my mettle. I’m not going to let them push me into victimhood. I’m not going to let them make me become petty by saying I’m better than others. This too shall pass. I just have to remember that I have Wisdom as my Purpose Siddhi. It doesn’t matter what other people do, nor what praise they receive for doing it, none of that detracts from the wisdom I am here to share.

What Unconscious Forces Drive Human Beings?

I really love this quote from Richard. I think it very succinctly encapsulates the human condition (fear!), but also guides us towards how we can be of service …

It is through these very physical fears that you will come to understand the unconscious forces that drive human beings, and thus you will be able to help them.
Richard Rudd, The Sage’s Golden Path Retreat

How can I help other people face their fears if I am unable to face my own? I can’t. And so, life brings me tests for my fear of Inadequacy. Can I feel it; can I allow it and accept it? Can I embrace it as a stepping stone to growth? Can I look at another being praised when I am not and not take it personally? That comparing way of thinking is related to the old hierarchical model, where we all had our place on the ladder, and another moving up inevitably led to me moving down. That way of thinking is based in a lack mentality … there is a finite amount of praise, so if someone else is praised, it means I never can be!

But that is not the model I choose to live by. I am part of a synarchy. One person’s growth does not detract from my own. In fact, if all the things I have been learning about being part of a collective puzzle are true, and I do believe they are, then someone finding their place enhances the whole and it means nothing about my piece. Shit, but this Inadequacy is a bitch! It makes me a bitch. A whiny little bitch, who is scared there’s not enough love to go around! Because that’s what it is all about … I’m scared that I am not being loved. It’s really nothing to do with comparison, or praise, or any of those other superficial feelings … it’s all about love!

Life Always Has a Way of Working Things Out in the End

Ultimately, you will see that all fears are completely unfounded, and that life always has a way of working things out in the end.
Richard Rudd, The Sage’s Golden Path Retreat

Of course! Because how can it not work out?! My fear of Inadequacy is merely a Shadow, a false belief that was set in place many years ago. It’s not real. I know it is not real. I know I am good enough. I know that I am doing exactly what I’m meant to be doing. I would not resonate so deeply with my Sage words, interiority and affinity, if I were not on the right path? The oyster may close itself up because of its fear of Inadequacy, but that doesn’t change the fact that, nestled in its heart, is a pearl.

I’m the oyster and I’m the pearl.

Life is taking me on a journey, and that can be scary and make me doubt myself, but it will work out. It is working out.

Deep Trust

It is this deeper trust in a hidden life beyond our individual ken that marks you as an obvious guide for others.
Richard Rudd, The Sage’s Golden Path Retreat

And there it is! The answer is always to trust, to trust deeply. To trust that in the fecund folds of my night of Inadequacy, there are pearls of wisdom.

So, I must throw myself the lifebelt of love, I must remember that I am my own anchor of stability. I am a guide in this world. I may not be leading that many people, and I may not have a fancy light; but my small glimmer of wisdom is enough.

In the darkness of the void, even the smallest flame is seen. I just have to trust in myself.

This inadequacy I am feeling is not the real me. It’s a Shadow behaviour but look at the Gift it contains … Resourcefulness. I can do anything. Be anything.

And I choose to be me. Just me being me is that I need ever do, in order to make a difference in the world.

And MORE Deep Trust!

Your greatest wisdom is simply to give others permission to trust in their own experiences as aspects of a greater plan, and to exalt human ordinariness and the power and beauty of simplicity.
Richard Rudd, The Sage’s Golden Path Retreat

Well, if that is my greatest wisdom, then I need this petty Inadequacy that has shown up since I moved into my Purpose sphere to simply be there. It’s here to show me something. That I have to let others be themselves and remember that their light in no way diminishes mine. I must exalt in them shining their light as much as I exalt in my own. We are all here to play our piece. 

Who am I to judge another person’s piece? And who am I to judge my own? I do me; that’s all I ever need to do … ME! Me being me is the greatest gift I can give to the world. And everyone else being their natural selves is what their Gift to the world is.

Comparison lives in the Shadowland of Inadequacy. Self-loathing and self-judgement live there too. Fear that I will be seen as not good enough is the swamp where jealousy and comparison fester.

But what if I opened my heart and not only gave others permission to shine, but also celebrated their light? Wouldn’t that raise my frequency? Wouldn’t that make my life better?

And wouldn’t that make the world a better place, because I allowed in love and beauty?

This is an eclectic mix of photographs in this essay. For each photograph, I chose a word from the paragraph to inspire my search of over 5000 photographs I have on Flickr. They may never make sense to anyone else, but they mean something to me. One of the photos is OF me rather than BY me … taken by my husband.

You can see all my photographs on my Flickr page.